Since I was ten, I've wanted to be a published author. I remember reading an article in the
Wall Street Journal proclaiming that Harlequin was looking for romance writers. If I'd had any idea at all about romance, I'd have been all over that. Instead, I created activity books for my sisters and friends. I think my mother still has one of them tucked lovingly away that she pulls out at opportune times to embarrass me. When I see it, a little spark of pride tingles in my belly. Silly, but then again, I've never claimed to be the epitome of maturity.
Throughout the long crusade for that elusive traditional publishing contract, I've written a half dozen books, self-published two, sent hundreds--thousands--of queries, received dozens--hundreds--of rejections (most don't answer, in case you're doing the math) and accumulated more advice than can fit into one person's brain.
But some advice does stick. Some, I've acquired from others; some I've observed.
Most has to do with how to react when someone tells you they've written a book.
Please take note - if you're one of the very talented authors I've met along the way and have been in the trenches, taken your knocks and still persevered, this advice does not apply to you. You can say anything you like. It's understood that you mean these responses in the spirit of :
a. "I'd love to buy your book, but I've just spent over three grand and sold $12.34 worth of eBooks and my partner will kill me if I spend one more penny on writing."
b. "I know someone who landed an agent/got a publishing contract/ won a contest/received a 'not awful' rejection from an agent and if they can do it, so can we!"
c. "Hold me. I need a hug..."
For the rest of you, if you haven't been there, don't go there! Or here, rather. Anyway. Here goes.
When a writer tells you they've written a book, do not answer (All are preceded with "Great!", but it became
irritating to repeat it):
1. "I'll see if my library has it."
2. "I have a friend with a Kindle; maybe they'll loan it to me."
3. "Can I have a copy? I have a lot of writer friends -- they always give me free copies."
4. "I have a great idea for a book -- I should tell you about it and when you write it up, we can split the royalties 50/50"
5. "My family says I should write a book about my life; I'm soooo interesting."
6. "If they ever make a movie version, let me know and I'll download it on Netflix."
7. "I have a friend who wrote a book and she blogged about it to her millions of followers and they all bought a copy and now she's a gazillionaire and lives in Tuscany and writes about being a successful author/blogger."
8. "How many have you sold? If J.K. Rowlings can do it, what's wrong with your stuff?"
9. "Have you read
insert really famous, really rich author here? His/her stuff is JUST like yours and they have a gazillion fans. I just went to a book signing of theirs and the lines stretched around the corner. Good thing I bought my book ahead of time; the store pre-ordered hundreds and ran out of all of them. I'll send you their link on Amazon/Goodreads/New York Times Best Seller List. Bet you'll see their books are just like yours."
And.
My favorite of all time:
10. "I have her book - I keep it in the bathroom in case I run out of toilet paper"
This was actually said, at a party, in my presence. To this day, I want to believe it was just an incredibly horrible attempt at humor.
Keep in mind, you can think these answers, just don't say them.
Please.
But if you do, please read
Workshop 'Til You Drop. You may not make the comments again...
